This is a day that used to be such an exciting date for Matt and me to wait for and is now a date I will always wonder about. Would he have come on this day? Statistically not. But here I sit, crying and holding on to the only day I would think he would be born because that is the only day I have now aside from the day I lost him which goes down as single worst day of my life. The day I can remember like yesterday- knowing as we drove back to the hospital there wouldn't be a heartbeat because I hadn't felt him that night... deciding to forgo pain medication during the induction as physical pain seemed fitting to go with my broken heart... screaming for someone to help me as I had him 19 hours later in the bathroom of Beaumont Hospital (To this day I am forever grateful that Matt had stepped out of the room for the first time in days during these moments) ... and finally, holding him and thinking how he looked exactly like the last ultrasound picture I had of him- little button nose and all...spending the night crying with Matt afterwards as reality set in that he was gone. Days have gotten easier, but even though I am pregnant again, not a day goes by that I do not think about him. It's hard to let go that it was me that was the problem, he was perfect. I held him and he was so frail, but perfect, and it is my fault his heart stopped, it was my body that couldn't give him what he needed. I still wonder why I couldn't fight that infection, why my body couldn't hold onto him. I have tried to stop questioning my own actions and "what if-ing" that pregnancy, but I am honestly still plagued with pain and guilt, forever changed, and with a new perspective.
The first and last pictures I have of Baby Boy
Most importantly this box contains his ashes, thoughtfully done for free, that Matt and I plan to spread today at the site where we got married. Letting go of his ashes is not me letting go of him, it just seems fitting to officially say good-bye to the physical pieces of him as I have the memories and mementoes in my tiny box.