Thursday, October 13, 2016

Pregnancy is Truly Humbling

I will preface everything in this post with saying that I wanted this, I wanted to have a baby, this was planned, I "knew" what I was getting into... or so I thought. 
I don't know if it was because I was so sick I just wanted to make it through days the first time around, or the fact that I didn't really workout before that pregnancy, but this pregnancy is mentally tougher than I expected already.... it has been a truly humbling and ego-checking experience. I looked at other women successfully training to the end and others who stopped almost everything immediately, I unjustly judged their weight gain or lack of...and I am now eating my words. Even though it is early, I have already realized I am not in control of what I will and will not be able to do, what I can or cannot eat, how much weight I am going to gain. Just like this is different than my first go-around, every woman's abilities during this time are going to be different. Comparison, just like in normal training, to others will only defeat you. 

Handstands still going strong

Going into this I had all these expectations of what I was going to be able to do and for how long, etc. I mean, I am ending my 14th week this week, just the end of the first trimester, I should still be able to do pretty much everything, right? I would be hardly showing at this point which should translate into my body feeling normal, right? Nope. Wrong. I am panting after what would normally be "nothing," my bladder is out of control, I am leaking who knows what from who knows where, my pants are already tight, my diet is something I don't recognize, and this little parasite has sucked the last drop out of any energy I had. 

4 weeks vs. 14 weeks
I drank my 6-pack

This pretty much hit me hard yesterday, right in the gut, literally- like so hard I left the gym in tears when I had to scale a workout for the first time because I couldn't do five reps of a movement in a WOD anymore- bar muscle ups, something I have gotten decently good at, something I like doing, a high level skill I wasn't ready to give up this early. When I did my first couple I could already tell my form was off, I was hitting my abdomen/chest too hard for my comfort level and no movement is worth my safety or the safety of my little parasite. Don't get me wrong, I scaled early on in CrossFit, still scale when the programmed weights are out of my reach, and there is nothing wrong with scaling to progress or get the benefit from the workout, but yesterday when I had to scale because I can no longer do something I used to be able to do hurt my ego, a lot. 

Strict MUs... hanging onto them still

I don't know how to phrase how I am feeling at the end of this first trimester other than it sucks worse than I thought mentally. It is hard to get out of "competition mode" and watch everyone I used to compete with continue to improve while I am panting from running 200m and can no longer keep up. It goes through my head that it is only the first trimester and I am already having trouble catching my breath and recovering- how am I going to do this as I get bigger? It's hard to watch my abs, the 6-pack I dieted and worked so hard for after having Charlie, change into what looks like I now drank a 6-pack and have a beer gut. I understand it is all for a good reason and I am growing a child, it is just harder to swallow than I thought. I have never used Charlie as an excuse and have always put a lot of pressure on myself to be the best I can be at whatever I am attempting to do despite my time constraints and other responsibilities- I honestly do more in an hour or less than lots of people do in two hours at the gym. I feel like losing skills and strengths already "just" because I'm pregnant is seen as an excuse to others and in my mind. 

Thrusters at body weight- so hard, but I'm trying

The unknown is scary- was that my last ever bar muscle up yesterday? Will I ever look like that again? Will I be able to handle training after this incredible thing my body is doing? I know me and I know I'm not just going to roll over and give up...I have incredible friends, family and a husband who reminds me I do more than most and it's ok to take a step back. Pregnancy is not a competition you can train for. I am going to write out my feelings in this, get my head on straight, maybe cry because, well, hormones, and just do what I can, as much as I can, and know that I have the support system to make a comeback.

Fruit... I love fruit.

To end on a more positive and funny note I have decided that the first trimester is like being a toddler... here's 10 reasons why...

1. I like foods one day and can't even look at them the next
2. I am irrational and you can't argue with me
3. I cry when I am frustrated, sad, hungry, tired, because you look at me wrong, or for basically no reason 
4. I need daily naps and am grumpy and emotional without one
5. I pee, a lot, and the urge comes out of nowhere
6.  I like carbs, all the carbs in the world- goldfish crackers, plain bread, veggie straws, fruit, etc.
7. I like to be cuddled or I don't want to be touched... you won't be able to tell what I want and I don't even know what I want
8. I don't like to wear pants- they constrict me and I loathe them
9. I can do something, like cook, but then I get tired and don't want to clean up my mess
10. I need new clothes by the season because I have outgrown what used to fit

Here we go second trimester... bring it...just please don't be like a teenager...

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